The Onset of Health.
Today I joined (deep breath) - LA Fitness. I am a card carrying fitness lemming, ready to jump off my perch high on Casual Cliff into the frothing Gatorade waters below. The last time I joined a gym, I think I went 4 or 5 times before returning to a state of gym-apathy and having to endure the monthly humiliation of paying the contracted fee regardless. So before the soft-gutted, flaccid calved, and unaerobicized masses begin ragging on me, let me state my case.
1 - I plead insanity
2 - Work entered into a deal that let me bypass the sign up fees.
3 - There is NO contract.
4 - There is a brand new LA Fitness not more than a mile from the house.
5 - I'm tired of feeling guilty when Natasha comes home sweaty and red faced, chirping happy "I'm getting healthier everyday" sorts of sentences. In fact, she is getting healthier, so that makes my saggy ass feel even more guilty.
So today, justifications in the proverbial hand, I signed up. I was introduced to a large mocha skinned man named Mark, my hand crushed in his Olympian grip, and escorted to a desk in FRONT of the thousands of sweaty stares and labored breathing. Humiliated, I willingly let myself get hog tied and branded as a "New-Unhealthy-Sort-Of-Pale-And-Weak-Guy" in front of every other would be health nut in the place.
As soon as I was bequeathed the coveted LA FITNESS ID tag, I was ready to prove my worth! I turned my nose up, held my chest out, and jogged to a vacant stationary bike and pedaled out a solid 30 minutes. Feeling judgemental eyes on me, I focused through the blinking spots I was seeing, and the red hot iron poker stretching out my lungs, I then turned my attention to the weight equipment and ran through as many reps on the "Upper Body Torso Pectoralis Shoulder Maximus" strength building machines as I could. "...10...11...12...". I would not be stopped.
I left the gym nauseus, dizzy, and with no discernible lifting ability in either arm. It's odd to leave a place both proud and feeling like complete shit. If the No Pain = No Gain school of thought applies here, then I guess I'm sitting pretty.
Bring on the health you pansies.
Comments
Ha! Ha! Sucker.
Posted by: stinky | April 19, 2005 03:52 PM
Questions and Answers About Getting In Shape(hope this helps amigo):)
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: How could that be true? Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually, so how could speeding up your heart make you live longer? That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it more. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Both my wife and my girlfriend say I should cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables.
A: They just don't grasp logistical efficiencies the way you do. Look, what does a cow eat? Corn. And what's corn? A vegetable. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of slop.
Q: Is beer bad for you?
A: I normally don't like to answer questions which deal with my religious values, but I find this question so ridiculous I simply have to say something. Look, it goes to the earlier point about vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know beer is not an animal, and it's not a mineral, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and tell everyone you're on a vegetarian diet.
Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?
A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs, though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.
Q: I'm getting a little soft around the middle. Will sit-ups help this?
A: Definitely not! Look, when you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger, right? You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: I thought it would be good for me to carry my clubs when I play golf, but last weekend some idiot almost ran over me with the golf cart!
A: Sorry. I was reaching into my cooler and didn't see you.
Q: There's a lot of equipment available at the gym today, like the treadmill, the stair-stepper, etc. Which one do you recommend?
A: The strato-lounger
Posted by: El Guapo | April 20, 2005 03:08 PM