How to please me.
[calling voice mail...]
"Maa-aat. I'm in New York..." (sounds of traffic) "...and I'm seeing mustaches everywhere... thought you'd want to know!"
[click]
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September 22, 2005
September 13, 2005
If Microsoft was headquartered in The South.
Ok, I know that this is the lazy way out of a true entry in my blog, but c'mon, this here is down right funny...
1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft W'nderz;
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle;
3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag;
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw";
5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos;
6. The "Recycle Bin" in W-nderz would be an outhouse;
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!";
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the W-nderz '95 theme song would be Achy-Breaky Heart;
9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt";
10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul C++";
11. The W-nderz logo would incorporate a Confederate Flag;
12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word;
13. New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now!";
14. Instead of VP or Director titles, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz" "Boss" or "Bubba";
15. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am;
16. Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse;
17. Four words: Daisy Dukes Screen Saver;
18. Corporate Marketing introduction: "Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire...";
19. Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard;
20. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator;
21. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates;
22. Redman plug'n'play interface;
23. They could still use Ky-row as code name for next upgrade, but Albenny would be the one after that (you'll only get that if you live in South Georgia);
24. Screen saver would be a kudzu vine which would consume your program manager;
25. Instructions for use would include "mash the control key.";
26. The HQ building will be a double wide on cinder blocks, because MICROSOFT is hyear to stay.
September 06, 2005
Suburban Cowboy
I own a guitar, a black cowboy hat and a dog. No reason I shouldn't move to Nashville tomorrow, write a few old timey honky tonk tunes and show Brooks and Dunn to the proverbial exit. What do you think Coach Jessop, time for me to cowboy up and make a run at it? (My Montana brother-in-law has been after me for years to accept my inner cowboy...)
September 02, 2005
Sticking it to me.
