:mattLandia:

Come on ye green horizon and bring these bones one league closer to Santa Elena and that fat Spanish dog Don Singularez. Give me a beggars minute to string him up by his purpley pantaloons and I’ll give ‘im a row of iron monkeys staring him in the gullet!

If I loose him of his bowels however, I’ll be forced to visit that dreadfully boring Huguenot colony three days due southeast, where I sense I’ll come away a poorer soul, infected with stench of cheesy Frenchmen.

I’ll revisit the wretched cow Singularez and throw myself against his stone balustrade, for he’ll not get the better of this Briton! For weeks now, I’m braced in flint and lock that fails to fire. Why only yesterday, I fired thrice before finally connecting with a foolish mans’ right ear. I was aiming for his left knee. The shame of poor pistols dipped in silver is not lost on a man who values the color of gold; yet greater shame for a man who pays gold for silver, and returns to pay yet again for more.

Ay, this is bitter grog indeed.

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Contemporary Translation:

I’d love to take that stupid Cingular logo creature and tie it into asinine balloon-animal shapes. Better yet, I’d love to walk into my local Cingular kiosk and cram my latest new phone (the SLVR) into someone’s ear and yell “can you hear this now?!”

But if I go to another provider like Version or T-Mobile, I’ll have to pay my way out of a freshly signed two year contract, so I’m effectively I stuck with Cingular. I’m such an idiot. Why did I sign another two year contract for a phone whose only cool feature is that it plays iTunes? The keys pads are too close together. The menu of options is completely non-intuitive. Where the hell is the mute button? And where in the advertisement did it mention the reception feature that makes checking your voice mail sound like this: “Hello, you have... Hi Matt, this is... Bank… penalty… there was a man with a horse… French women… carnival rope… and Munster cheese.” Reception with Cingular, for me, is an daily exercise in "What the huh?"

Shamefully, I won’t exact any true revenge on Cingular because I can’t afford the penalty to get out my contract, and I’ve got like 2000 roll over minutes built up. 2000 minutes people. That’s like, hmmm… like at least 6000 garbled voicemail messages! Woo-hoo! Instead, I’ll hand them my Visa card, bend over, and say “So I need… phone… shiny and new… please… of course I want a feature like… prison rape… and cool ring tones…”.

Wireless contracts suck.