:mattLandia:

Dear Mr. M Night Shamalananalanaman. (Go ahead, you try to spell it):

Let me now vow: I will never, ever pay full admission for another of your films. You tested my patience with a faith laced alien invasion film, made me laugh - no - guffaw out loud with your witty comedy about a village idiot, but based on the strength of your ghost and comic book films respectively, I figured there was a reasonable chance you would show me something new. Hmm. Well, I wasn't expecting a Narcissus-helmed motion picture about a kleptomaniac mermaid, a stuttering Super, and red-eyed grass wolves. So kudos to you Mr. Shamlayamanimanim, you did in fact surprise me.

May I suggest however, that your film would have been more appropriately name "Fish Gal in the Mug Root Beer", as at least I would have expected a gonzo film whose geo-politically-correct cast of wacky characters endure hocus pocus hi-jinks, with an ending that involved a big eagle saving the hobbits, I mean saving your own fantasy character from certain death. Instead, your movie trailer promised a suspenseful, action packed, "what-the-hell-is-going-on-here?" film treat. Whoa. Your ticket admission thievery is impressive.

Aside from casting yourself as the moral hero, virtually re-using the same stick-monster-ish effects from The Village, employing sprinkler heads as your primary suspense triggers, and blatantly ripping off Tolkien, there were a couple of bright spots that I should mention. The actresses who play Yong-Soon Choi (Cindy Cheung) and Anna Ran (Sarita Choudhury) steal virtually every scene they're in. Paul Giomatti gives another solid performance. And Bryce Dallas Howard, well, she's easy to look at.

So to sum up, you've now shown us your version of a ghost story, a comic book film, an alien invasion, a Twilight-Zone episode, and now a children's bedtime story. If we're lucky, your next film will be your take on a biopic. On someone humble. Like Tom Cruise. You could even play the Cruiser yourself. I can't wait.